Have I lost her?
by wouldyoulikeacupoftea
Summary: Jane return from South America with Fischer. But will he get his life back on track with Lisbon. Sorry, I'm not good with summaries, This is my first fanfic. it has hints of spoilers from Blue Heaven.
1. Feet back on home soil

I stepped off the plane with a sense of calm. I was finally on my way home. But, it's at a price that I'm willing to pay. My freedom. I know that I was free whilst I was hiding away in South America, but the hole in my existence grew bigger each passing day that I am away from Lisbon. It was wonderful being able to walk along the beach and feeling the wind through my hair. But, it would have been ten times better if I got to share it with someone else. Well, not just anybody, but dear sweet Lisbon. My best friend, my protector and my shining light.

The moment I met with Abbott and refused his offer, I knew that it was going to be the end of my days on the run. He gave in too quickly for my liking. That's how I knew that he used Agent Fischer to attempt to persuade me to come back and work for the FBI in exchange of not spending any time in jail. No offense to her but she stuck out like a sore thumb in the town. I played along with her plan, pretending not to know that she was in fact FBI, not some tourist that she was using as her cover. I took her out dancing and we went for walks along the sea shore. She even made me a nearly perfect cup of tea. I had fun with her, but it wasn't as fun as I had with Angela and Charlotte. Also, not even a patch on the fun I experienced with the ten years I spent with Lisbon. But, I think Kim is going to become a good friend to me.

Getting back to the present, Kim and I quickly collected our luggage. The FBI wanted me to be at my new workplace asap. I took a moment to feel the wind blow through my hair. I may not be completely free but at least I will now get a chance to see the team again. I wonder what they are now doing in their lives. Kim explained that Cho was forced to join the FBI but she wouldn't give away any details about Lisbon. It was like she was holding back an important piece of information to prevent me from escaping the clutches of the FBI.

I pushed the door to the outside and scanned the street. It seems like there is some sort of protest march occurring. But, all I'm thinking about is Lisbon. Does she still love me? Has she moved on? Will I ever see her again? These questions were racing around my mind as I took my surroundings in. But, my focus snapped to the woman standing on the other side of road to me. Well, it wasn't any woman, it was Lisbon.

She was wearing a sheriff uniform, her hair was pinned up. She still looked amazing. Looking all authoritarian. Her eyes snapped to mine and she flashed me the biggest smile that I have seen in a long time. She started to walk towards me. At this exact moment, I felt Kim wrap her arms around me from the back and laughed "Don't you feel great being back on US soil. "Yeah," I murmured and smiled back. But my heart broke as whilst this happened, I saw the smile fall off Lisbon's face and it was replaced with one showing immense pain. That was when I got my answers, _She still loved me and never stopped.. _I felt guilty for putting her through that pain again so I broke our eye contact for just a second. But, when I went to reconnect it, Lisbon was no where to be seen.

Tears fell from my eyes as I realised that in that one instance, _I had broken her. I had broken My Teresa before I even got the chance to show her how much I love her._ _But I __**will **__make it up to her! Never fear, I will never give up making it up to her! In time, I will prove that Kim is nothing more than a friend to me and that she will always be My Teresa, my love, my sanity._


	2. Am I dreaming?- Lisbon

**Thanks for reading the first chapter. I hope this one is up to your standards, if not feel free to send constructive criticism. I don't own anything to do with the Mentalist**

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Chapter 2- Am I dreaming?

Why do these people always chose the hottest days to protest about something? My shirt is sticking to me. At least, this protest looks like it is going to be peaceful and hopefully no fights will break out today. It's different from the normal police work that I do now. But it is still tedious. Seriously, some of the criminals that I arrest are as dumb as rocks sometimes. Who steals someone else's bike and leave it on their own porch, for everyone to see. Amateurs. Don't they realise that I've solved more complicated cases than that.

The work is easy but difficult at the same time. The crimes are much easier to solve, but the difficult thing is that often my mind wanders to what Jane could be doing now. His letters were so poetic. They made the perfect reading whilst snuggling up on the couch with a glass of wine. I try to imagine that Jane is standing in front of me, reading the letters to me. His words often left chills on my body.

Anyway, the last few years haven't been good to me. After Jane left, everything went to pot. First of all, the rest of the team was arrested for perverting the course of justice. It's not like we would have been able to stop Jane from avenging his family. The team has been through it all with Jane, losing our friends and loved ones to the serial killer. In the end, we all wanted to kill Red John for one reason or the other. I lost some dear friends, Bosco, Haffner, Minelli and Hightower due to Red John. Either through death or in the aftershock.

Ahh, Haffner's death affected me the most, I think. I was the one of lead him to his death. Like a lamb to slaughter. I honestly didn't know if he was Red John or not, but I secretly hoped he wasn't. He was a good agent and was very open with me. He always looked like he was jealous of Jane getting to work with me. But, I'm not that vain, thinking the world revolves around me. Well, it's understandable why he hates working with Jane. That man can be cruel if he wanted. Most of the time it's Jane's way or feel his wrath. I learnt from the team, that Jane did some pretty horrible stuff to get my job back. So I understand why Haffner didn't like Jane. I would hate Jane if he ever attempted to do that to me. But, I wouldn't put it pass him if I stopped him from getting Red John.

Anyway, as I felt so guilty for Haffner's death, I felt obliged to attend his funeral to apologise. It was nice, the speech from his former second in command, Butler, was thought provoking. He talked about second chances and how ambitious Ray was in creating his detective company. It brought me back to the time we had dinner together and he offered me a job. I could see that he was desperate to have me join him. I didn't know the exact reason till it came to the part where his will was read out. My lord, I had to sit down through that. Not only did Haffner leave a large sum of money to me, he left me quite a few letters. I couldn't read them straight away, because I was scared. What would they say? Was he going to blame me for everything Jane did?

In the end, I waited to be alone to take the plunge. But reading them made me feel much worse. A lot worse. His letters all conveyed the same message. He wrote over and over about how he felt about me and hoped that we would have the time to be together in the future. In one letter, he even said that he would be my saviour when Jane finally got Red John. He was going to take care of me, etc. My heart sank when I read the last one. Oh dear lord, tears rolled down my cheeks when I read the part where he put "_I'm about to meet Jane, you know I'm not happy about this. But, I'm doing this for you. For us. You know that I would do anything to prove to you that I'm not Red John."_

After that I knew I couldn't keep the money. I just couldn't. It didn't feel right. This man was the second man that loved me that died due to Jane's quest. So, I did the best thing I could do. I spilt the money between a scholarship for college students and investing it to Wayne and Grace's new business. They were struggling at the time. We all had black marks against our names, so finding new work was extremely hard. But Cho bit the bullet and sacrificed himself and worked off our debts by agreeing to work for the FBI. I miss him, but I know that he's in safe hands now.

My work life hit its all-time low, during that time. Absolutely no one wanted to hire me. I was so ashamed that I even avoided meeting up with my brothers. I didn't want them to see me a screw up. But, a good friend from my time at San Francisco PD appeared when I was at my lowest. He told me about my current job and that he was willing to write me a good reference. I took the opportunity with both hands. Seriously, when was I going to get another second chance after that?

The transition period was quite easy, really. I bought this amazing house and did it up with all my free time, I got from not having to stay late filling out stupid complaint forms that Jane caused. It was a few weeks into my job that the letters from Jane started to arrive. Seeing Pete on my doorstep was surreal at the best. But seeing him, holding a piece of paper with my name scrawled across in Jane's handwriting made me feel very emotional. But each letter that arrived seemed to give me closure.

I began to accept that I would never see Jane again. It was for the best though. If he stayed, it would have been much harder. Seeing Jane in jail is never a good image, he would have flashed his sad puppy eyes at me and I would have caved. He would have even accepted the death penalty. Most likely, so he would be at peace and be reunited with his wife and Charlotte. I found their graves accidently one day. I felt that their graves needed flowers, so now and again; I would visit them and talk to them about Jane. When I emptied out Jane's drawers, I found a picture of him and his family. They looked so happy in it.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I kept the picture. It's in my study. To me, its proof that I did the right thing by letting Jane get his revenge. More often than not, I stare at that picture and imagine what family life was for them. I can tell that Jane loved them a hell of a lot. Anyway, back to Jane's letters, they stopped me from worrying about him. Enough to say, that my nightmares stopped. But, not enough to stop me from thinking about him before I went to sleep or imagine him, being here with me. When I was filling in paperwork, I would imagine him sitting across me, commenting on my new life. Saying that I wasn't fulfilling my potential, that what I was doing was extremely boring or even having him pull me out of my chair, putting on my jacket on and dragging me off to some diner because he was hungry and I quote "_these can wait till morning_".

Man, I miss him. I still don't know how I feel about him. If he turned up at my front door, I wouldn't know if I would either hug him or hit him and hand him over to the Feds. Okay, not the second option, but I wouldn't pass punching him in the nose.

Anyway, getting back to the present, my feet hurt. Maybe I shouldn't wear these boots to work again. I really want to undo my hair as well; my fingers twitched thinking about it. I know it's unprofessional but I like to feel the wind in my hair. Finding the wind, often made me feel that it was some sort of message from Jane. I look up and I see a rainbow. It feels like a sign, but I have to get my eyes back to the protest in front of me. Protests can escalate really quickly.

I had a feeling that I was being watched. I scanned the crowd to see if any trouble was being stirred up and I thought I saw him. Jane. He looked sun kissed and carefree. He was staring at me. I smiled at him. Was he really here? I had to know, so I decided to start making my way through the crowd towards him. But, wait. A woman appeared behind him and wrapped her arms around him. He turned and they shared smiles. The smile dropped off my face. It wasn't Jane; he's just a figure of my imagination. He was with Angela, I'm sure. Tears fell down my face when I realised this. At that opportune moment, I got a call on my radio asking me to assist some of my colleagues round the corner as Bert, the town drunk, had started a brawl. I span round and sprinted off into that direction. As you know, there's no rest for the wicked.

The moment I shared with my hallucination help me realise that if I ever see Jane again or even find an address to where he is staying, I will tell him how I feel. But for now, I'm content with reading his letters next to the fire and imagine us snuggling together whilst watching the television. I don't think the pain from Jane's disappearance will go away, but imagining him with me, makes the day feel much shorter.

But I can't help thinking, _does he love me? Did he really mean the "love you" before he shot me? Was he manipulating me from the start? Was I or am I just a mark to him? Does he really mean the stuff in his letters or is he just writing to me to stop me from trying to find him? These are the answers that I'll never know. So I just keep on working, being strong and act brave. And never let someone too close. I don't think I would be able to handle any more heartache._


	3. Journey towards the reunion

**Sorry, got a bit of writer's block with this, hope this could tie you over till, i can make it better**

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Kim ushered Jane into the awaiting vehicle. He desperately wanted to search for Lisbon, but knew that he would have a better chance to get Abbot to agree to his set of terms if he cooperated. The sooner, he got this meeting over with Abbott, the sooner he could find Lisbon and make up for lost time.

Jane spent the whole car journey to the FBI headquarters staring out the window and coming up with plans to woo Lisbon. He wanted. No, needed her to forgive him. I knew that he would be asking a lot. But, he was determined to make her realise how he felt and feels about her. He would shower her with gifts of all kinds, from writing her love poems and buying her flowers to taking her to extremely expensive restaurants and buying her jewellery. Nothing was off limits as soon as the FBI unfreezes his accounts. If she wanted him to sleep at the bottom of her bed like a dog, he would do it in a heartbeat.

_Meanwhile Lisbon managed to control the brawl quite quickly. Well, it wasn't hard to do so if both parties were so drunk that they tripped over themselves and were stuck on their backs like tortoises. It did look quite amusing, but she managed to keep a straight face. Well, working with Jane, taught her how to do it. He was a wicked man. He used to make her smile at inappropriate situations, often she had to turn her face away to regain her composure. Working without Jane wasn't fun and he realised that after a few months into Jane's disappearance, she was slowly reverting into her old self. The hard ball woman that followed the rules down to the letter. She didn't like that version of herself but it was the only way she felt that she was in control. She hauled Bert and the other man onto their feet. She let them go with a caution, in which they both thanked her and staggered in separate directions. _

_Her phone rang. When she answered it, her knees nearly gave way. It was the FBI. They wanted her to come and meet them. She panicked. What did she do wrong now? She did what they asked her to do and answered all their questions two years ago. She just hoped that they didn't find Jane's letters to her or worse they found him and are charging her with obstruction of justice. She agreed to meet them straight away, even though the woman on the phone only gave out vague details about them needing her to get a confession out of a prisoner, which is completely strange. It made no sense., but she was excited._


	4. The Betrayal- Jane POV

**So sorry that it has taken me a long time to up date this. Thank you if you are carrying on reading this. :)**

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We pulled up to this large building that was covered in glass. It looked more modern that CBI. My "escorts" pushed me through the doors. Well, I didn't expect anything less from them. The décor was simplistic but cold. It didn't hold warmth like the CBI headquarters did. It gave me a chill down my spine. This place is too corporate for my liking. The hard marble floor was making my feet sore.

My lack of socks meant the continual rubbing of my shoes were creating huge blisters on my feet. I miss the luxury of socks. I didn't need them on the island because my feet would get too hot. Also, the pair I wore when I arrived on the island, quickly developed lots of holes in them. I learnt to adapt to not wearing them..

Trousers weren't necessary either. I chose to wear a sarong, it was so much better than attempting to wear shorts as well. I preferred to feel warm, fresh air hitting my legs. It made my legs feel cooler and I didn't have to endure fabric cling to my leg hair. There was no one to impress there either, so I wasn't self conscious.

Kim snapped her fingers in my face and said "wakey, wakey, we need to go and see Abbott to discuss your predicament." She obviously decided that I wasn't moving quick enough and grabbed my arm to pull me towards the elevator. Geeze, the woman was squeezing my arm like a vice. I shook my arm till I got feeling back in it. Man, that woman has a tight grip. I turn to look at the opening elevator. My mouth dropped open as I saw the one and only Cho.

"Cho?" I crooned softly, "Cho, you never seize to amaze me".

"I can take him from here guys," Cho said to the entourage behind me. We stepped back into the elevator with Kim in tow.

Once the doors closed, I turned to Cho and said "So, you joined the FBI, eh". He looks well, even looks like he is in his element.

"I finished at Quantico five months ago." he replied in his same old manner. I told him congratulations before the elevator landed on our level. I followed Cho and Kim down the silver corridor to the room on the far right.

We entered and I sat down on one of the chairs at the table, whilst Cho stood behind me and Kim sat next to me. I kept looking at the door every minute but I have yet to see Lisbon walk through it. I specifically asked for her to be present when Abbott went over my terms for working for the FBI.

Every moment that she didn't walk through that door was painful. _Didn't see want to see me? Didn't see want to know that Kim and I are absolutely not a couple? Hadn't she wondered what I thought about whilst I was on the run? Didn't she want to hear about the lonely nights I spent lying on my cot thinking about her beautiful face? I am not kidding, I spent hours attempting to recall how her hair blew in the wind and the sound of her wonderful voice. Ooh, her voice was like warm honey. But man, when she was being authoritarian and bossy, she turned me on so much. _

The door creaked as Abbott walked through it but still no Teresa. He sat down at chair opposite me. He started to pull out a load of documents out of the briefcase that he was holding. He began to explain the terms that the FBI were setting for me to work with them. I interrupted him of course, telling him that I wasn't going to agree to those terms, not in a million years. I also asked him, where Lisbon was. It was Kim that answered me by saying that they _didn't_ call her!

Can you believe that! They didn't even get off their bums to contact her. I turned my head towards Cho and saw that he was apologetic. Abbott looked like he could care any less and continued to explain the FBI's terms. I told him that he already agreed to my terms on the island, which number 1 was only working with Teresa Lisbon. It was the only non negotiable one on the list, But. Abbott shot me down saying that the napkin he signed meant that he read them, not that he agreed to them. The big fat liar! I am so mad at him right now. He then went to tell me that he only said that he would call Lisbon to get me down here. I wanted to jump over the table and hit him.

In the end, the only choice I had was refuse their terms, in which they informed me that I would have to go to jail. To which, my reply was that I was going to refuse to talk to them till they got Lisbon and I put my hands out for them to cuff me.

I know it's childish, but I don't think I could carry on without her. I came back to start a new life, not be punished for my old one. Being on that island definitely made me decide what I want. What I want is Teresa and that's all. Oh well, hopefully I don't have to wait too long before they get her to see me. It would be a waste of effort dragging me back here just to throw me in jail. I know the motives behind bringing me back, they want to use and abuse my "skills". Well sorry guys, no can do without Lisbon by my side.

The detention that they provided me isn't too bad, it's got a kettle and a reasonably comfortable bed. I threw myself on it and smile. All i've got to do is wait and they'll be running back to me. But, this time, i'll get my Lisbon back. I'm looking forward to her arrival. I just want to wrap my arms around her and tell her that I love her. Yes, I will do it. Hopefully, she will let me tell her that for the rest of our lives and let me share my new adventure with her,


End file.
